Marker
by Flutter-Pony
Summary: How Will and Emma deal with the darker moments. Deals with delicate subject matters.
1. Chapter 1

It was dusk by the time Emma saw natural light again. The wind blew strands of hair rudely over her face as she smiled a goodbye to Officer Max.

"Thanks again for coming down Emma. We'll get to the bottom of this, you have my word".

She nodded and descended the stairs of the Lima Police Precinct, but took no comfort in his kindness.

It was a horrible story that she had come to tell them. About a student that became a victim. "Of course" she had said over the phone yesterday. Of course she would give a statement, spend a whole day detailing every bruise and tear of a teenager who had come to her for help.

As she pulled into the parking lot, she felt sick. What if she left something out? What if it wasn't enough to keep the student from more harm? What if there were more kids in trouble? Of course there were.

Will knew better than to pry this morning. He had switched off the alarm before it had a chance to scream and pulled her close. "I'll miss you today", he had said, sounding more relaxed than either of them felt.

She'd forgotten to wish him luck with Glee auditions. That was selfish. He loved her, she knew it, but she forgot to wish him luck. And sometimes had to pull herself away from him in the dead of the night and have a shower, even though she was getting better, even though he got that look of hurt in his eyes.

She took a deep breath and closed the door of the apartment behind her. This was just a moment of fleeting anxiety. It would pass. She was strong, she was charming and smart, Will always told her that over the crossword and a plunger of coffee on Sundays.

Thank God he wasn't home yet. He didn't need to see this frantic insecurity. Emma felt her face heat up.

She slid out of her skirt and slipped into Will's Air Jordan t-shirt that was even too big for him. She noticed his tattered briefcase on the floor, too broken to be functional. She had plans to surprise him with a new one, maybe even get his initials stitched in. But she hadn't. Everything was busy and too hard and people were getting hurt all the time.

In the bathroom she splashed water on her face like Dr. Shane has told her too. Dr. Shane said she was doing great, but Emma didn't believe her. She couldn't right now, not when she felt so empty and full and scared at the same time.

The nail scissors caught her eye, sitting just under the mirror. The blue metal catching the light perfectly. Will had brought them home from the grocery store last month with an announcement. "Look, they match the tiles… see I think about these things now" he had joked with mock pride catching her lips with his and dropping the grocery bag to the table where it stayed for the next week.

Something was wrong. Her thoughts mainly.

As a guidance councillor she'd never understood the beautiful girls with cuts on their wrists that stood out like diamonds, or the football player that was sent to her office for searing his own skin with a lighter.

She gave them a pamphlet and a sympathetic look and made them promise to see her again. She was concerned, so much it kept her awake at night. But she didn't understand.

But she could picture making marks on her own skin now, not big ones, but little scratches that might make the anxiety fade. After all, this was just a one off. Tomorrow she would wake up next to Will and everything would be exciting and fulfilling again.

She would just do it once.

Emma closed her eyes. She would do it once and Will would come home and she'd take his hand, make up for all the forgetting and the being nervous and they'd laugh.

He would notice. Even the slightest mark, he would notice and kiss and question and she could lie, but he'd worry and his brown would get wrinkly and his voice would get small. She didn't want that.

She gulped. Watched her reflection in the mirror. She didn't look broken.

She breathed. Thought back to the pamphlets she handed out, to the distant college classes.

Will kept markers in a draw in the living room. Will liked to write music and mark choreography that way, and Emma loved to watch him.

She coveted the packet and sat again in the bathroom where everything is easier to wash away. She thought the red marker would shake in her hand, but her mind and her movements were firm.

It was an old diversion therapy tool, and as Emma swirled lines of ink up her arms, slowly, lightly, it worked. She didn't write anything, just lines, some straight, but mostly curly. It wasn't sharp like scissors, but it was pleasant. She drew a circle around her ankle.

The door lurched open further. How could she not have heard Will's car pull up? She wouldn't berate herself for it.

"Hi" he said curiously, with a grin and a silent question, before sitting beside her again the tiled wall. It was amazing how he never hesitated in getting close to people, he was fearless. "I could have brought some construction paper from school if you need it" he quipped, brushing his fingers against her shoulder.

She smiled and a calm descended. She could share this with him.

"I had a rough day" she offered, alternating her gaze between him and the uncapped marker between her fingers.

"Okay" he murmured, pressing his arm against hers.

"I… Will, things are good. Really good, but I got home today and I was feeling low and all I wanted to do was cut myself… with scissors". It was strange to say out loud, ridiculous really, but true.

She watched the color fall out of his face.

"I hope you're joking" he choked, but they both new she wasn't.

"I didn't do it. But I wanted to, so I used the markers instead… it's written in one of my pamphlets".

"Em…" he stammered and took her hand fiercely, causing her whole body to turn towards him.

"It's okay. I don't want you to freak out-"

"Did something happen?"

"No, Will. I was stressed, that's all"

"….Sorry, I just… God, I don't want you to ever feel like that. You're amazing Em, you're perfect-"

"Will" she chastised, this was no time for romance.

"No! Listen to me" his hands shook and traced the pattern of her scribbled leg. "You're the most precious thing in my life, and when you hurt, I hurt. You can downplay how pretty, or funny or adorable you are, but you don't get to downplay this. How would you feel if it was reversed? If you found out I wanted to hurt myself?"

She focused on the checks of his vest, knowing the beauty of his body that lie underneath it, a body that she loved so much, it was part of her.

He had a point.

A tear and then another fell down her face, for the first time all day. "I'll talk to Dr. Shane about it".

And then because she didn't know what else to do, she pulled his closer until her head was resting against his chest and she could hear his heart. It was fast.

She heard his breath catch, the way it did when he sobbed and his arm wrapped around her tightly, holding on.

It felt like forever, but maybe it was twenty minutes before he spoke.

"I didn't handle that very well did I?" he spoke dryly with a hint of self-deprecation.

"You're here, that's all I needed"

"Can I come to Dr. Shane with you?"

"Okay"

"And you'll call me next time? Or come charging into Glee Practise, I don't care", he moved his body to see her face.

"Mmmm" she sighed in agreeance.

"Em?"

"Yeah?"

"Just in case you didn't know it, you're the bravest person I've ever met", she studied the earnest look on all of his features. That face was always going to captivate her, it would always make the bad days worth it, and the good days even better.


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm continuing this one after a request. It's quite angsty, so I'm not sure if there is much of an appetite for it, but please let me know. _

_FP. _

He gave her that look at the breakfast table, even though she bought him a plate of chocolate chip pancakes. "You promised," he asserted touching her hand.

"Will, I'm fine. I just had a really awful day at the Police Station, they have all these technical words for… all the terrible things…" Emma felt herself mumble but he kept up with that look. It was steely and determined and most of the time, very endearing. But it was also incredibly stubborn.

"You almost injured yourself Emma, on purpose. You know that's something you need to discuss with Dr. Shane"

"I can't go beating down her office door every time I have a bad day. And nothing happened. Look at me, I'm fine".

"I… just…"

"Everything is fine Will. I'm happy, you're happy, now hurry and finish breakfast if you want a ride to work, I've got an early appointment".

Thankfully, he left it alone after that. It was one of his most admirable qualities, while she was drawn to Will for his charm and convictions; she loved him because he wasn't a grand stander. He knew when to shut his mouth and watch the world go by with a smile on his face, just like he let the Glee kids shine over and over again, despite his own awesome talent.

Emma shook her head and cringed as she unpacked the groceries the following wednesday, and emptied the dishwasher, with all its shiny knives. How could she be so irrational? The thought of intentionally causing herself pain was actually insane. After all, she spent hours every week grooming herself, how could she under that so easily? So callously?

Her phone buzzed on the counter with a message from Will. He might not be vocalising it, but it was clear he hadn't forgotten their moment last week. Emma noted the way he touched her, as if inspecting her all with his fingers and eyes. And while she did her best to forget a silly memory, he wasn't. It was implied in everything he did.

_Be home a little late. Call me if you need anything. Love you._

What she needed was him to stop waiting for her to fall. She sighed. And when there was a knock at the door she rolled her eyes, yearning for a time when she could be left truly alone.

"Mrs. Schuester! Hi"

"Oh Emma, I've told you time and time again, call me Claire", Will's mother was always bustling, even when sober. She boomed into the room and without even meaning to made Emma feel smaller.

She was lovely, really, but for the last 4 months Emma had tried desperately to impress Claire. She was the most important woman in Will's life and by default her own. Yet after every meeting Emma was left hollow, like she hadn't been quite charming enough.

"It's lovely to see you Claire. Will's not in though, he'll be staying late at school"

"Oh no matter dear, I just thought I'd drop off this casserole. God knows Will doesn't have time to cook with the hours he puts in, and Terri couldn't turn on an oven to save herself…"

Emma pursed her lips and Claire turned suddenly towards her, evidently noticing her own faux pas. "Oh Emma, I didn't mean to offend you".

"No, really it's fine" but everything was starting to feel heavy. It wasn't fine.

"…It's just, well Will's always eaten too much sugar, what with all those cookies, and you're so tiny. Well, it's my job as a mother to make sure you two eat right…and I'm retired now" she chuckled a little, "what else have I got to do?" she laughed at her own joke and Emma smiled back feeling her face go hot.

She didn't even think. She breathed, she blinked and then in the shower she ran a razor up her arm, studying the blood. She forgot all about Claire and her well meaning, she forgot how pathetic it was to care and berate herself for being so thin.

When Will came home and fell into bed beside her, she turned to smile at him, already with a story to explain the scratch on her skin. It was easy, everything felt right. But she had put on her long sleeved nightgown just in case.

"You look exhausted…" she whispered, and then kissed his forehead.

"Hmm… how are you?" again he hit her with a loaded question that hung on his lips.

"Fine" but she tucked her arms at her side and closed her eyes, closing the conversation.

"Oh this? There was a loose nail in the bed head, I didn't even realised I'd scratch myself until it started bleeding" she lied to Shannon's face the next day and it was too easy. She kept a bandage underneath her cardigan until lunch, but the air and the fabric and the way they brushed against her mark felt strangely pleasurable.

The hand on her back was Will's; she hadn't noticed him walk in. He played his part too, enjoying Shannon's company and refusing to really look at her. She half expected him to pull her aside when the bell rang out for the next class, but he kissed her cheek. "I'll see you at home".

He was waiting when she got there, even though she was sure there was a extra special Glee rehearsal on tonight. Something about sequins and bedazzled microphones.

"Hungry? I'm making burritos?" He swivelled towards her in that floral apron that made him look adorably ridiculous and she laughed, her hands finding his hips.

"No Glee tonight?"

"I cancelled. They're all snowed under with finals, I thought they needed a break… and I thought it would be more fun to dance around with you… Miss Pillsbury". She loved him so much it ached inside.

"You are amazing Mr. Schuester…" she stood on her toes to peck his mouth and sway her arms around him.

But it was only a matter of time before he found her mark, pulling her arm gently off him and bringing it to both their attentions.

He swallowed, the dinner, the laughing; it had all been a ploy for this moment.

He pulled up her cardigan and licked his lips in concentration, his thumb measured the length of the damage, and for the first time, that's what it felt like.

"Is it sore?" his voice was husky and thin.

"It's nothing" but her heart felt like it might beat out of her.

"…You didn't catch a nail on the bed head", it was a stupid lie. Oh Gosh, he was watching her again with that face and all she could think to do was run. She would never do it again. It wasn't worth this that looks on his face and the circus of pretending.

"I don't want to talk about it"

"Emma, please"

"Drop it! Stop treating me like a mental patient Will" she pulled her arm out of his possession and left him alone in the kitchen. She didn't storm out like a hormonal teenager, though he probably expected her to.

She heard him shuffle blindly around the house. She'd always loved listening to him, loved the anticipation of him getting closer to her. She stood in the centre of the bathroom and sighed. She had gone and ruined everything again. She had Will, that should be enough and yet now she couldn't think past the red mark on her arm that seared just a little bit. It was crazy, she was crazy and as it all started to fall apart she felt dizzy and tired and frantic all at the same time.

She sobbed this time, pressing the razor hard against her skin. The ripping sensation on her skin was disgusting, but she needed it. If she couldn't fix things with Will and she couldn't do her job and she was too thin and she was too gutless to answer her mother's phonecalls, then at least she could do this. Something to control and feel and see with clarity until it faded, then she would feel better again surely.

She heard him leave, but she snuck out of the bathroom just in case someone was there to catch her. She cleared the dishes away that neither of them had touched and wiped the counter top.

She wore long sleeves again and curled into the mattress.

She slept.

"Emma?"

She blinked and then decided it was better to keep her eyes closed. His palm pressed against her forehead, so tenderly. She felt her own lips turn down with the threat of tears. How could she do this to him?

"Emma. You need to sit up and talk to me now" his tone was implacable, almost too sober.

But she couldn't sit up. Her forearms hurt, both of them and she had no more lies left.

"Emma. Either you sit up and we talk about this or I'm calling Dr. Shane myself"

"…She can't discuss my therapy with you, it's against medical ethics…" she surprised herself with such logic, but Will was unimpressed. She saw him groan when she opened his eyes.

"Fine, then I'll call 911" he wasn't threatening; it was a completely honest offer.

She watched him take the phone out of his pocket.

And then she cried. Hard. He clung his hand to her cheek; she thought she could see tears in his eyes too.

"Please Emma, don't push me away…" he touched his forehead with hers while she shook. "Don't push me away, I need you so badly, please… please…" he pleaded.

She would remember this moment forever, a dark marker on her life story. She'd been low before, but being low and alone was almost effortless. Being low with Will, dragging him down was surely made her the most lowly person on the planet.

She reached out for him as he kneeled in front of her, he fell into her embrace and she thought maybe he wanted to go down with her.


End file.
